Sparkling sex with cleaner Read Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems

Dear Deidre

I’M having the best sex of my life with our cleaning lady – because my wife isn’t interested any more.

I’m 47 and married, with two grown-up sons. My partner is a nurse and she’s 45. I’m a software salesman and work from home.

We’ve got a happy family life but my wife’s libido took a nose-dive with all the pressure of work.

She’s up for sex now and then but she just lies there like a sack of potatoes and seems glad when it’s over.

I feel bad. I try to make it good for her but nothing changes.

Our cleaning lady is a widow of 52 who looks after herself well.

She was always a bit of a flirt but one day she came into my study when I was talking on the phone to a customer.

She was dusting when I noticed her tight blouse had come undone in the middle. She seemed to be oblivious but I enjoyed looking at her.

I finished the call and pointed at her chest and she went red, just smiled and shrugged and walked over to me, asking for help to do the buttons back up.

I said, “What, and spoil my view?” then we started kissing and I undid her clothes and had sex on my desk.

The sex was fantastic — better than I’d experienced for years. We’re now doing it twice a week and she’ll pleasure me in any way I want. She understands my situation.

It was a moment of weakness on my part and I gave in to it.

Is it so wrong to go with my lover for some relief now and then? I’m hurting nobody.

DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, it’s wrong. Your wife may have gone off sex but she doesn’t deserve this.

You stand to lose more than a flagging sex life if your wife finds out about the affair.

Don’t risk a happy home life for sex on a plate with the cleaner.

Tell her you’ve made a mistake and your relationship will be purely professional from now on.

Find a quiet moment to talk to your wife and tell her that you miss the intimacy in your relationship.

Ask what changes you could make that would help her feel more like enjoying sex and offer her a relaxing massage when she gets in from work or to start her day if she’s working the late shift. My e-leaflet How To Light Her Fire can help.

Boozy parents made me anxious

Dear Deidre

MY life is stuck in one big rut. I’m not enjoying it, I’m merely existing. I’m a 26-year-old guy with no confidence and nothing to live for.

Mum’s an alcoholic and my dad walked out two years ago. He’s an alcoholic too.

I was bullied at school and this made me go into myself. I have a job but I work nine hours a day, go home and watch TV or play on my PlayStation.

I get along with colleagues and sometimes I’m invited out for drinks after work.

I love the idea, but bottle it at the last moment with excuses. I’m pathetic.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not. Your colleagues like you but you don’t believe in yourself.

Being bullied and living with alcoholic parents, where you’ve been low on their list of priorities, has made you lose your confidence.

You have the power to change. Don’t wait for an invitation – organise something yourself and invite your colleagues.

My e-leaflets on Raising Self-Esteem and Social Anxiety will help you forge a new and exciting life.

He uses me when his wife leaves

Dear Deidre

MY old school friend messages me every time he has a row with his wife. I feel used. He got married just six months ago. He’s 31 and I’m a single woman aged 30.

I went to his wedding and I felt jealous of his bride but there’s never been anything between us.

He and his partner separated recently and he started chatting to me on Facebook. I’ve started to have feelings for him now.

Then his wife came back so I stopped talking to him. He’s just messaged me again – she’s left again.

He wants to meet up. He says he’s confused.

I keep getting drawn to him and his problems but I don’t know whether to cut him out of my life completely.

DEIDRE SAYS: He uses you as his comfort blanket but this relationship isn’t doing you any favours.

You’re getting pulled in when there’s a crisis but risk being seen as a marriage wrecker.

Tell him to sort his relationship and step out of the picture.

Get on with your life and find somebody who is free to have a relationship with you.

Dear Deidre

MY husband cheated on me with his ex, then a neighbour and his best mate’s wife.

I’m 44, he is 42 and we’ve been married for 18 years.

I’d given him the benefit of the doubt in the past but I caught him red-handed and we are getting divorced.

But our 16-year-old son thinks it’s my fault. He doesn’t know what his father has done and barely speaks to me now. I’m heartbroken.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your son is old enough to know that relationships break down. Long-term, it’s not helpful for him to believe you’re the scapegoat.

We learn a lot from our parents’ relationship and he may end up punishing other women for what he believes to be your sins.

Tell your son that his father has been unfaithful and things have broken down.

My e-leaflet Worried About Mum And Dad? can help him.

And you can find support through Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).

Dear Deidre

MY mate asked me what race my girlfriend’s baby will be. I’ve no idea.

She was pregnant when we met at a party seven months ago.

She’s 21 and I’m 24. I love her so much and I figured that when the baby is born, I’ll be its “dad” and everyone will assume it’s mine.

I’d never thought about the baby’s colour.

I live in a multicultural area but I just assumed the father would be white like me. How can I ask her without it sounding bad?

DEIDRE SAYS: If your girlfriend is expecting you to take on the role of her child’s father-figure, she owes you honesty.

You also both need to think about what you are going to tell her child as she or he grows up. And does the biological father know? Will he want to be part of his child’s life?

You’ve got a lot to think through. Contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222) for advice.

topic4today

DEATH is one of the last taboos. Too often the bereaved find people avoid them instead of giving comfort. My e-leaflet Help For Bereavement details the common stages of grief and sources of support. For a copy of it, email me here.

Contact me

EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.

Email me here, private message me on Facebook.

Or write to Deidre Sanders, Freepost, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (enclose SAE)

You can also follow me on Twitter: @deardeidre