It happened to me... 'I set fire to myself'

The loss of her mum led to a horrifying ordeal for Fabia Cerra. Here, she tells her story...

Fabia Cerra, 41, is a charity volunteer. She lives in Oxford with partner Dougie, 38, and son Leone, 10

"I’d had a difficult relationship with my mum Carol because of her excessive drinking, but when she fell ill in 1999, I gave up my job as a beauty consultant to nurse her. My dad worked full-time, so I was her primary carer, which was incredibly stressful. When she passed away aged 54 in August 2001 from lung failure, I slid into a deep depression.

Three weeks later, I met my partner Dougie in a pub and although he was wonderful, I continued to deteriorate, experiencing constant mood swings and paranoia. I’d suffered from occasional depression before, but now I struggled to take care of myself and couldn’t face work. My GP prescribed medication, but it didn’t help. Even when Dougie and I moved in together that November, I still felt hopeless. Then, in April 2003, I reached the point of total despair.

Alone in my bathroom when Dougie was at work, I found myself reaching for a lighter. I held it on the right side of my scalp – and flicked it on. My long, curly hair caught alight and instantly dissolved, falling to the floor in singed chunks. Smoke and a stench like burning flesh filled the room. Suddenly I saw myself in the mirror and thought: ‘What am I doing?’ Frantic, I slapped my head until the flames subsided.

I don’t remember how long I spent slumped on the floor before Dougie found me. He called an ambulance and I was taken to the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford. Despite being alight for just 10 seconds, my hair and scalp were badly burnt.

My family and friends were horrified and hadn’t realised how miserable I’d become.

The next day, I was referred to the Littlemore Mental Health Centre and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, triggered by the stress of my relationship with Mum. I was put on medication and given counselling.

Fabia without her wig earlier this year

When I came home four months later, I felt idiotic. My short hair was a constant reminder of that dark night but, thankfully, I never relapsed, and Dougie and I had our son Leone in 2005. When he was two years old, Leone was diagnosed with developmental problems, and he didn’t say his first word until a few months later. He now attends a special needs school and is doing well. Some days were hard, but he gave me the focus I needed for the future.

However, my confidence took a battering following the incident. Over the next 10 years my hair grew back, but it was damaged and thin on the crown. I tried lots of hair-stimulating treatments, but none worked. Unable to afford a full wig, I resorted to wearing a £4 clip-on bun to hide the bald patches. I tried not to let it hold me back, and even decided to take up burlesque dancing in 2008 in a bid to boost my self-esteem. My hairdresser fitted me with a sexy, long hairpiece for performances, but it only gave me a fleeting feeling of confidence.

Then, in April this year, a company called Crowning Glory, which specialises in hair loss, asked for people to be in its adverts. I applied and was thrilled to be chosen to have a special hairpiece created for me made from real hair. It sounds so simple, but it really has transformed my life. I feel totally confident for the first time in years.

When I recall that night, I struggle to understand why I set fire to myself, but I know I was very ill. That person wouldn’t recognise the woman I am today."

 

BTW

Bipolar disorder affects around one in 100 people.

*On average, it takes over 10 years to receive a bipolar diagnosis in the UK. Sufferers will have been misdiagnosed on average more than three times.

**For support, visit Mind.org.uk.

As told to: Cyan Turan Photography: Syriol Jones Hair & make-up: Cat Crawford Fabia wears: top 
and jeans, both Yours Clothing; necklace, New Look Visit Crowninggloryhair.co.uk Sources: 

*Mentalhealth.org.uk **Bipolaruk.org.uk For help and support, visit Samaritans.org